An open letter to a guy at my gym

Dear Sir,

You don’t know me, but we both work out at the same gym. I think you know the one.

As you’re no doubt aware, you have a frequent habit of standing nude in front of the hot air dryers, using them to dry yourself off after your shower. But rather than concern yourself with merely the hair on your head, you also spend a significant amount of time using the dryer to remove any moisture from the rest of your body as well.

While I’m certain that prolonged periods of nudity in the common, central areas of the locker room is a violation of generally accepted gym-locker-room etiquette, I’m willing to give you a pass on this, for the most part. Damp areas on the human body, or elsewhere, are a haven for bacteria and fungi, so perhaps you are overly concerned with that issue and are doing all you can to completely dry yourself.

The issue at hand, so to speak, is your balls.

Sir, what’s with all the cupping?

Again, as you’re aware, your drying routine involves a significant amount of ball-handling. I’m unclear as to why this is necessary.

First, I’ve owned a pair of balls my entire life, and they have, on occasion, been in need of drying. I’ve found that a medium-to-thick terrycloth towel, in conjunction with exposure to the air, is sufficient for complete drying vis a vis my nuts. While I have avoided careful consideration of your own testicular area, despite your very public displays, I imagine from a physiological standpoint, we don’t differ enough that hot air drying would be necessary for you to accomplish this task.

Furthermore, while you are a man of some height, the hot air dryers are far too high on the wall to ensure that the air they emit will have the required velocity necessary to dry your balls. At best, you are treating them to the light suggestion of a warm breeze, akin to the feeling one gets while sitting on a pier at sunset overlooking the Florida Keys. And no amount of cupping, shaking, handling, stretching, organizing, or re-arranging will change that.

For the comfort and consideration of all the people who use our gym locker room, please stop publicly cupping your balls.

Our Man In Chicago

6 comments for “An open letter to a guy at my gym

  1. May 22, 2008 at 4:35 pm

    And here I thought my naked cell phone guy was annoying.Wow.

  2. May 22, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    This is one of those posts I desperately want to read.And desperately do not want to read.

  3. May 23, 2008 at 3:07 pm

    man, i haven’t been over to mcsweeney’s in AGES. this is just classic. great pic, too. but, i was laughing and grimacing the whole time. :) :/

  4. May 24, 2008 at 6:43 pm

    Maybe he’s concerned about shrinkage. You ever think of that?

  5. May 29, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    And here I thought that women’s locker rooms were bad…

  6. June 4, 2008 at 12:29 am

    I have read this dozens of times. I have recommended it to many folks. Thank you for existing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *