Dear Marilyn (née Brian Warner):

Hey, how’s it going? Not sure if you’re aware of this, but here is an excerpt from a press release I received yesterday about your upcoming tour. The CAPS are your publicist’s own:

EAT HIM, DRINK HIM,

DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH HIM:

“MUTILATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY”

MANSON IS ON TOUR AGAIN

That was the first one. Then here were some other excerpts from yet another release I received not two hours later:

“Joining Manson and Twiggy onstage for the U.S. leg of the Rape of the World Tour…”

“Expectations for the upcoming tour are best described by quoting one of Manson’s most infamous lyrics, ‘Everyone will suffer now’.”

“Looks like the shit is gonna hit the FANS.”

Really, dude? “Rape of the World?” “The shit is gonna hit the FANS?” What does that even mean?

Just stop this nonsense. Do you know that every time something like this happens, you remind people of this Onion headline? It’s true. Don’t stop trying to make a career of it, but let’s maybe think about some minor adjustments to the marketing plan, OK?

Sincerely,
Our Man In Chicago